Some days stick with you for a while.
Usually the bad ones stick with you harder than the good ones which seem to become distant memories much faster.
But there are days that make you wake up and your stomach is sour, your head hurts and everything feels *off*.
Literally everything sucks, it sucks to breathe, eat, work, do anything but lay there; and in laying there, there is no rest
from your mind.
There are days I hate the way my mind works. I hate multiple thoughts happening at once, the darkness that preoccupies most of my thoughts.
I hate it but I also love it, when it stops affecting my life negatively.
Yesterday all these things and more affected me negatively. I’ve reached a point where I can’t afford for them to affect me negatively.
I can’t afford to react to it negatively either. Instinct and bad habits grooming me to leave before I’m left, bail before I’m bailed on.
Rather than believing in the best, and sticking it out. I feel exhausted and disappointed and… scared.
Fear isn’t something I admit easily.
But there it is, plain as day.
It’s hard to write about this and not circle the drain and the same thoughts.
It makes it hard to reflect on days when your brain is wired to highlight the negative to the extreme and catastrophize the minuscule.
I work hard to maintain perspective and maintain self-control. A task that is so hard to do as you get older. There are so many
buttons and the world is eager and able to push them. This world can be so ugly while maintaining a beauty that is indescribable.
I’ve just grown so tired of being sick and tired. I’ve started searching for fulfillment, for things in this life that honor and build up
my talents and goals. I’m tired of the remorse hangover following a terrible day. Bring it two fold where you remember bad thing as terrible
and spend the night wondering how you can fix it. If only you could predict the future or go back in time. Depression is purgatory.
I was hoping to be able to end this on an optimistic note. But I don’t feel very optimistic, I don’t feel pessimistic either. I feel empty.
Like when a picture doesn’t load all the way and it’s just an empty square with a red x. I hover between that and grey tinted optimism. It’s
out now though. Instead of balled up inside my stomach and wrecking havoc with my sleep. The thoughts still tumble around in my head but their
edges are no longer so sharp. It can’t fester. But also I hope someone else can see this, at some moment, and know that someone else *gets* it too.